Vera

“My life started when they said it was over,” is something I wish I could say. Except no one has told me that I was dying. My time is thus far unlimited. Or so it seems.

I could do that now. Just do whatever I want. Except this second round of Covid still seems much more like a nuisance at the moment because of how irritating and dry my throat is and the headaches that come with it.

So I guess this is what being terminally ill feels like. Not being able to do anything I actually want to do because I feel like shit.

Well.. it’s not terminal. My zombie life will restart again once the white strip displays a single red line once more.

Today while walking towards the car I wondered why I chose to do this. To go to the office. To run this thing with the family. To help these other business owners get their stuff out there.

It’s a constant internal struggle. I want so much to stop being involved in the material world. But the things I want to do and the lifestyle I enjoy is much easier with this safety net.

Except, I am giving up my life for it. I know this. I feel this so clearly. Am I a weakling if I stay here? Or am I one if I leave? I’m not sure.

If there’s a clear sign to say that I’m weak because I’m staying, I’d make sure to leave. If there’s one to say I’m weak because I want to leave, I know I’d fight to stay.

But there’s no sign, no indication of anything. Because this isn’t a story written about the past. This is the present I’m in and I don’t know what the future is like yet.

What would I regret more?

Have you ever stayed in a hospital overnight before? I asked C. What do you mean? He asked incredulously. Yes, when I went for my surgery.

Oh you were there overnight? Was that your first time? No. I stayed that time when my nose bled.

Were you alone? My mother stayed with me.

I just had this exchange with C because I started reading a book that had a description about how time didn’t exist in the hospital, much like in clockless casinos.

I’ve never slept in a hospital overnight, I told C. Choy! Dai Ga Lei Si.

This reminded me of when my mother had cancer and was in the hospital for a time. I remember thinking how we’re truly just alone in birth and in death.

Nobody else really understands the amount or level of pain that you feel, you can really only rely on yourself to get through it.

“Was it scary? I imagine it to be scary.”

“I guess I will know what it’s like in the future.”

Like being in the plane where they artificially dim the lights for night time and people speak in hushed tones, nurses or air stewards and stewardesses walk around doing their thing?

That’s what I think being in the hospital at night feels like.

One day I will look back and imagine what it’s like to be me now. To not have to go through sleeping overnight in a hospital, feeling all alone in the world.

So I thought I’d record this here because one day when that comes I’d like to remember what it’s like. To not know. There was once when I did not know.

Business. Busy-ness. The idea that success looks like your time is worth more than mine. People who think they’re smarter than you are. People who want to look or sound smart.

You may have more experience but you might not be better, more capable or smarter. Experience can be mined. You’ve put in the time but I can do that too.

Sometimes I wonder if I should act like a bimbo just so I can get away with things. But I like being honest. I like being transparent. I may look silly or careless or naive but at least I’m real.

So just be honest in business, because you should want everyone to win.

Usually tired on Saturdays after teaching because I have non stop back to back classes but this past weekend was beautiful~

G bought coffee and I got coconut juice, had the easiest lunch, before making our way on a short road trip to the other end of the island. One wrong turn became a scenic route at the Marina South Pier, and before long we arrived at World Farm to do our plant shopping.

What’s your budget? Actually no, don’t tell me. Wait you regret and paiseh.

一个风和日丽的下午。

The sun was not unfriendly that day, even if it did beat down and tanned our skins.

Gasp. Oh my god. Giggles. As we walked through the nursery aisles. I’m so excited! Exclamation marks. Oh my god. So cheap! Gasp. Crazy eyes. Laughter. Giggles.

Hahaha I love this memory and I am so freaking in awe of your excitement.

In things I learnt today, I figured out how our foreign worker levy is calculated. To compare with how much we have to top up for CPF when hiring a local Singaporean. Useless or useful? Only time will tell.

Losing focus at work. Bad sleep. Skin acting up. Wishing I could go back to just teaching but the knowledge I’ve gained so far from helping in the family business is also real and something I’m proud of.

Need a mountain view, some cool crisp spring air and a large expanse of sky.

Just made some updates to the about me page! Wow it must have been 7 years since I made any changes. So many things have happened since then and thought I’d keep this more current since I’ve unsubscribed to Dayre.

Inflation is terrible and I need to cut unnecessary expenses.

Once, on a straight road

We walk

Offhand

We talk

Once at the corner

We bend

Offend

We mend

But we’ve laid down these eggshells

And now as we tread

They quietly crack

Pushing all that we lack

Up to the surface until

We’re back

One little corner

That joins yet another

It loops

Whoops.

Decided to take a break from being productive and useful today and stumbled upon a free creativity course. One of its exercises was to write an elastic poem (First verse has 2 words, then 4, then 6, 8, 10, then back to 8, 6, 4 and 2).

Circuit breaker

Long distance relationship maker

Our country’s effort at a lockdown

Meant to bring us all together to fight

This battle that any real Spartan would be confused by

Is that why people are so casually flirting

Skirting around the rules, and being

Proud of their weaknesses,

Bubble tea.

She’s terrible at receiving gifts.
My mother is just like her mother.
The food you bought is not that nice hor?
She looks at me, expecting me to agree with her.

Wah so expensive! And the portion so small.
The one I buy is still nicer.
Her disapproval on the things that I like
The feeling is also – not that nice.

So hard to please, she said about her mother
Always complaining about this, that or another
So it sucks to know how others feel
Because I am just like my mother.