June 2025

Started the day teaching, then threw myself into serious biz mode in the afternoon by literally putting pants on over my tights in the office, then back to teaching again, then executing some marketing material..

My power is taking on many things, but not doing any of them at a high level.

The big meeting in the middle of the day I’d been low key dreading because big business negotiations are just not something I am familiar with. I was just hoping not to agree to anything catastrophic.

But I was already wearing the pants, and the nature of our small family business (and perhaps how green and inexperienced I am) helped me continue to be the harmless player in the game and allowed the other stakeholders to guide the discussions.

Everyone wanted to make things work.

No one tried to throw a curveball or play power games or seemed like they were hiding anything and I was able to get clarity because of how pro-business and understanding these much more experienced people were.

Even though now as I’m trying to collect our response to their proposed agreement, I’m still trying to see how we can protect ourselves better. I’m literally praying to God to open my eyes to anything I need to know going in because even though I’ve got a tiny bit more confidence now, this whole project is a lot of work once we take it on, and it’s a lot of risk.

It’s not a sexy deal for us.

It just adds a bit more income for the staff and eats up a whole bunch of our time and effort that no one will ever see. But we have to do it, because otherwise we won’t survive in this industry.

So I felt somewhat useful today. My teaching was even solid and I felt like I added value to everyone today. I was stretched thin but I showed up. It was just much easier to be satisfied with myself today.

I didn’t go into the office today.

And even though that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve done nothing with my life, that’s not helping me feel good about myself.

I fixed a broken website before lunch or coordinated a whole corporate matchmaking situation.

I submitted next month’s promotions, followed up with the bank, negotiated business terms, and somehow navigated three jobs and a volunteer task on just two slices of bread and some dried mango.

But I still feel crappy about myself.

Because I wasn’t in the office physically taking up space, breathing the same air as my mother. Who is also my boss, but is also my mother.

She hasn’t asked for anything, btw. She hasn’t looked at me like I’m slacking, or said a word about my absence in the office.

But I still feel.. down. Just guilt with a side of imposter syndrome.

Because even when no one says anything, there’s that internal pressure I put on myself. The feeling that comes when someone trusts you and doesn’t micromanage.

I’ve been given so much freedom and flexibility at work. A front-row seat in the family business.

And I know not everyone gets this.

So I feel like I have to be present for it. Be visible.

But today, none of the work I did was visible. My body heat absent from the office. Cobwebs growing at the corner of my desk. I’ve just been at home on my laptop being invisible, working on my mother’s other child (the biz).

Then because of that, I feel like a bum. Even though, logically, rationally, I know I am not.

I asked ChatGPT how to reframe this. Because writing it down, I know I did stuff today. I know I’m doing my best.

It told me to remind myself that being invisible isn’t the same as being idle. That work done in private is still work. That I did do something today, and it wasn’t big, it wasn’t noticeable, but it took time.

But because no one saw it. Because it wasn’t in the office. It feels like it didn’t happen. It described all my tasks as having disappeared into a cloud of invisible usefulness and that sounds exactly right. How there’s no trophy for “made twelve micro-decisions that prevented bigger problems later”.

Decisions to stall on the job are still decisions nonetheless. Decisions that I have to make because things from the other parties don’t make sense for us to be involved yet.

It’s ridiculous. But the feeling is real. Like I have to be visibly busy for my self worth.

So it’s just me here, still in the shirt I woke up in, wondering if I’ve done enough to not feel like a bum.

Welp. I’ve got to go teach group class now.