I am the sum of all my decisions.

Found out about personal agency yesterday and this (the lack of it) feels like the answer for why I feel so unmotivated and lazy sometimes. I’ve been searching for the reason why I’m so lazy and trying to find answers and solutions to it but articles always seem to assume that it means I’m stressed out or burnt out or overwhelmed.

I simply am not.

I am the definition of privilege. I can cruise by life without much effort. I attract opportunities and wealth (thanks to the laws of attraction), and even though I’m not part of the super rich or the super elite, I’ve always been able to get more than I needed, and more.

I know it’s such an ugly thing to say and this isn’t the type of thing I would want out there in the world for people to think that I’m an arrogant person. But typing it out here and thinking about this makes me feel like I can start fixing this. And I do want to fix it so much.

Some people get their personal agency from posting about what they’re doing everyday and getting validation from others, but that’s not me. Or maybe it’s just not good enough for me. And I don’t yet know what button I can push to activate this in myself.

It’s funny because I was listening to a podcast that mentioned how social media and our devices are creating that overload and overstimulation, how “we are like trained monkeys, tethered to devices that prompt us at all hours of the day” and where we put our attention is the most important decision that we make. That makes us less in control of our lives and our levels of agency declines.

Also a lot of the times when we want to reach out for our devices, we are just looking for a moment to recharge. And reaching for the device doesn’t actually recharge us. Even multi-tasking takes that control away from us.

This was hilarious to me because I was listening to the beginning of the podcast while I was ironing my clothes. And then I took a break and began eating and listening to the podcast. And then unknowingly I was scrolling through Facebook and eating and listening to the podcast. In fact, I had unconsciously opened Facebook and then consciously closed it about 3 times during the entire time. My mind was blown.