Waking up this morning, I remember the reasons why I don’t sleep that late anymore. Ugh.
This cab driver’s jerky and bumpy car is making me want to hurl. I truly can’t understand why Singapore’s taxi drivers can’t drive smoothly.
Or are the cars too sensitive and too lightweight?
Today I’m getting into bed at 1.40am. This must be the latest I’ve gotten in bed in a while. The night calls out to me again. Just as it did when I was younger. I remember physically bringing my body to bed was the most difficult thing to do – the night time is too beautiful.
When everything is quiet and time isn’t assigned a task. I don’t have to feel guilty about not doing something useful or productive, I don’t have to live like my ideal self.
Came back from the studio late because I worked out a little and then ate out.
I decided to sign up for dance classes online because I wanted an activity that would be a workout but also be fun. Plus I can do it whenever.
Too lazy to go dance at an actual club, and I can’t carve out time to go to a physical studio but who says I can’t move at home?
It’s day one so it’s too soon to tell if I’m going to follow through. If you knew the amount of hobbies/crafts I’m also in the midst of 😂
I love it. I love the potential. The myriad lives I am living.
The split second of recognition when I saw her photograph on my newsfeed and then shock as I read the headline that she was dead at 47 felt like how I found out Steve Jobs died. None of these people personally mattered to me, but dooce.com marked an era before influencers and social media.
When people wrote thoughts and feelings and events instead of showing photos and videos. Blogs were so much more – from their words you get a sneak peek of their most personal thoughts, their character, wit and personality.
You weren’t given a photograph to look at and be envious of – oh that looks like a perfect life and a lovely party. Yawn/fawn.
You were an insider. You knew how she felt about the people around her, what she loved and hated and what’s what. You knew what made her fall over laughing and what pissed her off. What she fell in love with – and you’d fall in love with it too because that’s the way she wrote.
Life is messy. And she showed it as it was most times without looking like she was selling or preaching anything but her thoughts.
And that’s what I think I miss from the ol’ Internet.
Reading some of her posts now and my heart breaks for her children.
Covid brought with it everyone’s sense of what a gentle, slow life could be like. It’s a tempting offer – the sheer amount of makers, crafters and artists popping up everywhere in a variety of markets around the island could attest to that.
One day I will do it guiltlessly.
I wish I could believe the image and brand that you’re building. Is this you? Why are you trying so hard? Just be here. Just be real.
Thanks for all the love and dedication you put into caring for Jurong Mama.
I’m sorry we didn’t put more effort into helping you, especially when you told us what a difficult time you were having the past few weeks.
We now know better. And truly I wish we had freed you in this life. Thank you 大舅。一路好走。Be free.
I just don’t want to do any work. The problem is that I know what the next steps are to fix the situation I’m in, and to make it better. But if I’m being honest, I don’t see the point of it.
Last week’s unproductiveness could’ve been attributed to the grief and disappointment I felt from my family (and the family business), but I really don’t feel that way anymore.
No more grief or disappointment, I’m just blah and meh and languishing.
Stuck in a pit and too lazy to pull myself out of it because it’s not like I’m drowning here anyway.
The walls are nice and comforting all around me.
A ton of bricks just on the insides. Black and blue.
Heavy and loaded on the down low. And I don’t understand, my bag of secrets no longer full.
So why am I still drowning, still here, at the bottom of the pool?
I’ve introspected, self theorized, and dug for truths.
But the answers are the same, and this chest is cruel.
500 tons, but why? I’ve haven’t a clue.
These past few days have been miserable. The volcano erupted and it was disappointing.
I will forever remember how disappointed I am in you. I will remember how disappointing the outcome of the truth is.
I wish you’d leave.
I recently attended a friend’s wedding where I recognized someone I went to secondary school with. I’d always thought this person was so pretty, her golden hair and large hazel eyes were something that was uncommon in a school full of dark, raven hair. We were in the same classes and had sat near (or next to?) each other for Chinese lessons and she was always kind and friendly.
So whereas ordinarily I wouldn’t approach and say hi to people I knew from way back when, I thought I’d say hi on this particular occasion. I was caught off guard when her response was polite and cool, when after a minute of saying hi and asking about her, she asked, “You’re.. Vera right?”.
Maybe I caught her off guard? This felt a little alienating. Perhaps my memories of childhood friendships are dimmed as I’m older now, as was hers.
Another friendship I remember in Primary school was one with the very first girl my parents identified as my “Forever Friend”.
We were close because of proximity – her house was close to where my parents’ business was. And for the first two or three years in CHIJ we hung out at her house after school, bought candies and played.
In Primary 3 or 4 she approached me in class and told me she wasn’t going to be my best friend anymore. I took the news coolly, because I really didn’t know what to expect or what a difference that makes.
Although as I sat back down in my seat and saw her walk back to her new cooler clique of girl friends, I guess I might have been a little hurt when I realized she didn’t think I was cool enough.
There were many more best friends to be had after that though, and although only one of them has stuck around long enough to be a “Forever Friend”, they have all contributed to fond memories from each chapter of my life and I hope I was a good friend.