Found out about personal agency yesterday and this (the lack of it) feels like the answer for why I feel so unmotivated and lazy sometimes. I’ve been searching for the reason why I’m so lazy and trying to find answers and solutions to it but articles always seem to assume that it means I’m stressed out or burnt out or overwhelmed.

I simply am not.

I am the definition of privilege. I can cruise by life without much effort. I attract opportunities and wealth (thanks to the laws of attraction), and even though I’m not part of the super rich or the super elite, I’ve always been able to get more than I needed, and more.

I know it’s such an ugly thing to say and this isn’t the type of thing I would want out there in the world for people to think that I’m an arrogant person. But typing it out here and thinking about this makes me feel like I can start fixing this. And I do want to fix it so much.

Some people get their personal agency from posting about what they’re doing everyday and getting validation from others, but that’s not me. Or maybe it’s just not good enough for me. And I don’t yet know what button I can push to activate this in myself.

It’s funny because I was listening to a podcast that mentioned how social media and our devices are creating that overload and overstimulation, how “we are like trained monkeys, tethered to devices that prompt us at all hours of the day” and where we put our attention is the most important decision that we make. That makes us less in control of our lives and our levels of agency declines.

Also a lot of the times when we want to reach out for our devices, we are just looking for a moment to recharge. And reaching for the device doesn’t actually recharge us. Even multi-tasking takes that control away from us.

This was hilarious to me because I was listening to the beginning of the podcast while I was ironing my clothes. And then I took a break and began eating and listening to the podcast. And then unknowingly I was scrolling through Facebook and eating and listening to the podcast. In fact, I had unconsciously opened Facebook and then consciously closed it about 3 times during the entire time. My mind was blown.

I arranged for an interview with a candidate looking for a job. He cancelled on me last week citing an illness so I arranged for another date. He flaked on me again today because he couldn’t find transport to get here and I cancelled the interview.

I don’t know how small businesses are supposed to survive when the talent pool we can afford are only out looking for gains for themselves without adding value.

Are you looking for a job or am I digging through trash searching for treasure?

For small businesses, the search for those who will stand with us, shoulder to shoulder, in the quest for progress remains an elusive journey.

Sometimes when I feel like it, I go onto Linkedin and look at the things I could potentially be doing with my life, the roles and responsibilities I could probably take on and the ones I would not. I imagine kao-pehing at some of the unreasonable workload and being thrilled by exciting projects and inspiring mentors and creative minds.

But most of the time they become unappealing and I close the windows, resuming my regular routine.

Waking up this morning, I remember the reasons why I don’t sleep that late anymore. Ugh.

This cab driver’s jerky and bumpy car is making me want to hurl. I truly can’t understand why Singapore’s taxi drivers can’t drive smoothly.

Or are the cars too sensitive and too lightweight?

Today I’m getting into bed at 1.40am. This must be the latest I’ve gotten in bed in a while. The night calls out to me again. Just as it did when I was younger. I remember physically bringing my body to bed was the most difficult thing to do – the night time is too beautiful.

When everything is quiet and time isn’t assigned a task. I don’t have to feel guilty about not doing something useful or productive, I don’t have to live like my ideal self.

Came back from the studio late because I worked out a little and then ate out.

I decided to sign up for dance classes online because I wanted an activity that would be a workout but also be fun. Plus I can do it whenever.

Too lazy to go dance at an actual club, and I can’t carve out time to go to a physical studio but who says I can’t move at home?

It’s day one so it’s too soon to tell if I’m going to follow through. If you knew the amount of hobbies/crafts I’m also in the midst of 😂

I love it. I love the potential. The myriad lives I am living.

The split second of recognition when I saw her photograph on my newsfeed and then shock as I read the headline that she was dead at 47 felt like how I found out Steve Jobs died. None of these people personally mattered to me, but dooce.com marked an era before influencers and social media.

When people wrote thoughts and feelings and events instead of showing photos and videos. Blogs were so much more – from their words you get a sneak peek of their most personal thoughts, their character, wit and personality.

You weren’t given a photograph to look at and be envious of – oh that looks like a perfect life and a lovely party. Yawn/fawn.

You were an insider. You knew how she felt about the people around her, what she loved and hated and what’s what. You knew what made her fall over laughing and what pissed her off. What she fell in love with – and you’d fall in love with it too because that’s the way she wrote.

Life is messy. And she showed it as it was most times without looking like she was selling or preaching anything but her thoughts.

And that’s what I think I miss from the ol’ Internet.

Reading some of her posts now and my heart breaks for her children.

Covid brought with it everyone’s sense of what a gentle, slow life could be like. It’s a tempting offer – the sheer amount of makers, crafters and artists popping up everywhere in a variety of markets around the island could attest to that.

One day I will do it guiltlessly.

I wish I could believe the image and brand that you’re building. Is this you? Why are you trying so hard? Just be here. Just be real.

Thanks for all the love and dedication you put into caring for Jurong Mama.

I’m sorry we didn’t put more effort into helping you, especially when you told us what a difficult time you were having the past few weeks.

We now know better. And truly I wish we had freed you in this life. Thank you 大舅。一路好走。Be free.

I just don’t want to do any work. The problem is that I know what the next steps are to fix the situation I’m in, and to make it better. But if I’m being honest, I don’t see the point of it.

Last week’s unproductiveness could’ve been attributed to the grief and disappointment I felt from my family (and the family business), but I really don’t feel that way anymore.

No more grief or disappointment, I’m just blah and meh and languishing.

Stuck in a pit and too lazy to pull myself out of it because it’s not like I’m drowning here anyway.

The walls are nice and comforting all around me.